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 Post subject: Ducking and Diving
Permanent LinkPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 9:14 am 
He dived in for the snog and I ducked to the side for the matey hug.

This was the awkward finale of my date last night. My first date in at least 4 years. There is a reason I have not had a date in so long and I’m sure it doesn’t need spelling out here. Just ask yourself, would you be ok with a prozzie missus?

But, it’s nice to be asked once in a while, this guy is very lovely and in a former life he would have been just perfect. But in my escorting world romance comes with finance and even the idea of proper attraction and love seems alien. The problem is maybe that I am so comfortable with male company, if it doesn’t start off with sex, I instantly “friend zone” them. I lack any ability to flirt. Why would I be attracted to someone superficially when I have learnt to look way beyond the book cover? I can’t remember that last time I fancied someone. Plus, why would I give away freebies with the risk that it’s gonna be bad sex?

Sex for me has to be clean, organised and efficient. The idea of kissing him goodbye at the end of a night on the rum & cokes and cigarettes repulsed me – kissing without fumigating my mouth with Listerine? Are you mad? The idea of fumbling drunk sex or...urgh…morning sex. Fuck that. No can do.

I have been truly institutionalised by sex work. This date confirms it. But it’s ok, I am more than happy with going about my daily life without lovey-dovey interludes. I don’t miss it and I don’t seek it and, actually, I really don’t want it. I’m not sure I ever will….unless I stop escorting. But even then it may take some adjusting. I get plenty of sex, and sometimes I enjoy it (sometimes!) The idea of monogamy also feels very alien, and, if he is shit in bed, impossible.

I feel bad for this guy, because I’m gonna have to give him the cliché line “It’s not you, it’s me”. But this time, it really is. I put myself through the experiment to see if I was capable or willing to make space for some kind of man-friend but the results were negative.


Last edited by Anonymous on Wed Jun 24, 2015 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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Anonymous
 Post subject: Re: Ducking and Diving
Permanent LinkPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2015 1:05 pm 
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Interesting blog, may be just wrong timing.


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